What It Means To Be 40. Going Grey.

Is it Gray or Grey?!  Whichever It Is - Owning It.

On most days I can do 50 legit pushups.
I'm proud to say I can still hold my own in adventuring with my children.
I finally caved and had to change my font size, but just one level, on my phone.  it really should be two.
My right knee clicks when I walk up the stairs, I have 3 sets of stairs in my house.
I can jump on the trampoline, sometimes for 30 seconds, sometimes 5 minutes, before my bladder neeeeeds to be relieved.
OH that bladder.
I contemplate botox, just for my scowl line - oh that one has been perfected for years.  But I haven't done it YET.
I add collagen to my coffee every morning.  btw this is the one I like best, dissolves easily and has no taste.  I've tried a lot.

I'm alive.  What a freakin privilege to be alive.  


I slipped into this decade of 40.  No big party or hoopla.  We bought a really great mattress and Nick gave me matching PJs.  It was as good as it could be.  My mom passed away suddenly on my 22 birthday, so as you can imagine it's been a long road to being able to even acknowledge this day as a good one.  Or perhaps you can't imagine, and I hope you never truly can.  But in practicing empathy it's worth trying.

And some how this idea of growing out my gray hair has snuck in.  It's been 5 months without even realizing.  Like many things in my life, this one happened sneakily mostly due to lack of attention.  Case In Point...Ran out of diapers - time to attempt potty training.  Eating a brownie sundae every night before bed, oven breaks and I'm too irritated to fix it (SERIOUSLY my Viking has been a lemon!) so I stop baking for a few months, brownie problem fixes itself, guys I had no idea you aren't supposed to do that, oh the bliss of youth.  A summer full of camping adventures and a stylist that is just so good she's super booked, I'm going gray.  Grey.  Grombre. 

What I hadn't anticipated was the emotions that would bubble up as the gray roots emerged.  It's still shocking sometimes to look in the mirror, but I'm getting more used to it.  I actually love the gray that is showing,  I love seeing ME unfold, OH HELLO there, didn't even know THAT was under all that.  A wise friend put it best - it's reframing how I have seen myself almost always.  It's letting go, not to be confused with letting myself go.  See the difference.  Over the past month, as I've gone from too lazy so there's roots showing to yeah - I'm actually doing this, I've begun to think of aging as a chance to reveal more of who I truly am.  And a chance to grow closer to my mom.  What I HATE is that she isn't here to talk through these life changes over coffee.  Fuck I hate that so much.  But if I pay attention, gifts like these gently float into my grief journey, and I feel more of her in me.  40 for me really means settling into my own skin, and obviously not settling like throwing in the towel but in becoming comfortable with myself, obviously.  

This transition period, however, I do not like, and perhaps I will figure out how to deal with the mixes of me, the gray and the blonde.  Perhaps I won't.  I refuse to let what I an Iphone photo portrays of me decide how I feel about myself.  I refuse to let society dictate that I am old and incapable.  When my boys state "Mom you look like a grandma."  I remind them that society tells them they look like girls.  Perhaps we shall walk this journey of changing peoples minds together.  They agree.  I love that.  and my fire is fueled to keep going.  Somedays I'm less affected than others.  I imagine this battle will ebb and flow.  And I can't wrap my brain around how long this process will take.  But I do imagine there is gonna be more treasure found in this journey of aging.  UGH.  and so good.  It's both.  

And lots of hats.  and statement headbands.  and lipstick.  and collagen.

And I am alive.

These photos were taken after a few days of feeling blah.  I needed to brush it out and celebrate.  Own it, rather than letting it own me.  And wearing a few of my favorite things always helps.

kimono - Sway & Cake.  gifted

tank - Everlane.

jeans - vintage Levi's.

boots - Queen Anne Dispatch.

There isn't a real point to this blog post, it's more just a stream of thoughts I have been having over the last month.  I had hoped to gather them more succinctly (how I've always wanted to use that word properly, don't tell me if I'm wrong.) but in actuality that post may never happen and it's time to just push publish.

Except one more point, at the end of the day, it's just hair.

thank you for reading and sharing in this journey.  I've love to hear your thoughts.

best
kirsty