It Just Wasn't That Big Of A Deal, Then I Ugly Cried.

How often as moms, as women, as people, we tell ourselves it just isn't that big of a deal?

but, it's ok if it is.

Most of the time it isn't, a big deal.  and for most people.

Until Those Darn Extenuating Circumstances.

Because we are all fighting internal struggles in some way at some point.  And we need to be kind to that self that is in the midst of the storm.

For me, it's a gobsmack that only happens on special occasions.  A figurative "you idiot, how did you not see this coming?!" smack on the side of my own head and that huge wave of missing my mom that takes me down.  That is grief.  New experiences in life that she isn't a part of.  I can't even tell you what they are, because I don't know until they happen.  It's usually not that big of a deal, and I'm fine.  I mean I know no different so I shouldn't even know what I am missing right?  But something deep inside me does.

That wave of grief.  And then it's an UGLY CRY.  My husband will tell you there's lots of snot involved.

I have gone to years of counseling for this.  It doesn't stop the crying, or the ache, but it has taught me I won't drown in it.  PSA - Counseling, do it.

I can't be the only one who UGLY CRIES?  When I tell this to my husband, he laughs a little.  Maybe it's not as common as I think.  For me, crying is such a natural part of me that I forget it's not for everyone.  Of course that UGLY CRY isn't every day.  Thank Goodness.

But it happened today.


Without getting into the details, because that is not the point of what I am hoping to share, I was genuinely affected by the kindness I was shown today - there are people who need this so much more than I do.  Yet I received it.  The woman who stopped and offered me tissue.  The receptionist who called me back, after my very poor reaction towards her message, and offered to help.  Friends willing to rearrange their schedule to join me.  My mother in law willing to enter into my circumstances.

And I was extremely grateful and inspired by the human spirit and the world.

In a time that we see A LOT of fighting and focus on our disagreements, there is also so much beauty in this world.  And hope.

And kindness.

So the point that I want to share, is to encourage you all to enter in with others.  We are called to be in community.  but don't think about it, because you might talk yourself out of it, listen to your gut.  It's a vulnerable place, to give, and to receive.  In order to receive you have to allow people into your sacred space, but that is where the fruit truly is.  This week holds both #bemorekindday followed by suicide prevention day, we all can step up our game.

"Empathy has no script.  There is no right or wrong way to do it.  It's simply listening, holding space, withholding judgement, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of "you're not alone.""  Brene Brown.

So after I gathered my tissue and myself, I went home and found the prettiest dress in my closet, because it reminds me of my grandma, and new lipstick and awesome earrings, you better believe it.  These are all personal pick me ups.  And as I was driving to get my boys from a friends house, I was struck by the beauty of the marina on this day, I couldn't help but park and pause for a few mins.  Courtesy of my Iphone timer and a garbage can prop, I took a few photos. 

thank you for reading.


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